OffTheBeanVine Leaving the Wounded Behind?

Since 10-23-06

From: Thebeanvine@aol.com [mailto:Thebeanvine@aol.com]
Sent: Saturday, October 21, 2006 5:28 PM
To: Beansimple@aol.com; Thebeanvine@aol.com
Subject: OffTheBeanVine Leaving the Wounded Behind? 10-21-06

Greetings

10-21-06

Two weeks ago I got sucker punched.

I wasn't alone. Many of my veteran friends are wearing lumps too.

A man, a veteran whom I consider a friend was arrested and charged in a series of sexually based crimes. The news of this hit me like a 300 pound enraged biker using somebody else's pool cue. That same biker also nailed many of my chat room friends on AOL and the people who knew him outside the Internet as well. Surprise attacks do that. None of us had a clue.

Nothing could have been further from my mind than that one of my veteran friends could possibly be involved in such a thing, surprise is a huge understatement, I was stunned into silence and numbness. The nature of the charges were such that if a conviction is reached he could do major time in prison behind this. Stunned, shocked, disbelieving...but..I repeat myself, you get the feeling for what I mean.

I sought out my friends in the chat room and found a concentrated effort to NOT talk about it; anger if anyone even opened the subject; and no healing happening at all. What I DID find was only the suppressing of discussion about something so distasteful that to even mention it would cause a horrible negative reaction. Ignoring something doesn't make it go away nor does it offer a chance to come to terms with our loss and feelings...yes I said OUR LOSS and feelings.

IDENTIFY THE INJURED

Certainly the victims, but also the man himself, his wife and family and what of his friends, did we suffer a loss as well? I believe we did, feels like a loss to me.

I went through the whole range of being outraged and angry, feeling betrayed as a friend and as a veteran, sadness at the situation his wife and family find themselves in. I hate what it's alleged that he did, I hate the terrible stroke this has laid on his wife, and for a while I would have gleefully punched his lights out on sight...how'm I doin' so far? had those feelings too? If you have, that's normal whatever normal means. Humans react that way to even rumor of sexual crimes, ask any parent how hard-wired that response is to sex crimes.

How quickly do we grab the tar and feathers and how broadly do we swing the brush? No one is "on the side" of sexual offenders so the expected and socially approved response is slam the SOB and everyone associated with him....again, not an abnormal way to feel. But aren't there victims enough now? When has enough blood been shed to end the battle?

WE DON'T LEAVE OUR WOUNDED BEHIND

That phrase is revered, believed in, and acted on by every American combat unit that ever hit the field. If I got hit my buddies would get me out, get me treatment and get me home, I counted on my buddies to do that and they in turn counted on me. That's how we got our jobs done and survived to come home. My survival depended on the other four men in that helicopter, small little group but that's MY crew and we would die for each other. My crew was no different from your crew, platoon, ship, squad, whatever unit; point here is our focus for survival rarely extended beyond our own unit.

Some of the men I worked with over the years were real jerk-weed morons, or maybe they were mean spirited and rotten at heart, I've traded punches with a couple of them out behind the fuel tank farm with rank badges removed but when the rotors were turning all that didn't matter. We had a flight to make and someone on the far end of that flight was counting on us. Had one of these men been hit he would have still been cared for and evacuated to safety no matter what my personal opinion of him was, that didn't make me noble or a hero, it made me a member of the crew because THAT'S what a CREW does with a man, any man, who suffers a wound. I'd like to think that even though 30+ years have passed since then I would still do the same today if a member of my crew was hurt. That's the feeling that propelled me to write this particular beanvine, I'm seeing and hearing a lynch mob forming and I want to stand today and do what I can to stop it and save one of my crew and his family from further harm, if this makes me unpopular then so be it, he's MY brother and I OWE him.

A man has fallen, his family has been wounded, it would be against every doctrine I hold dear to turn my back on these wounded and walk away. None of YOU Turned away when a soldier in the next foxhole was hit, even if he was the biggest ass in the unit, am I lying? We cannot walk away now and ever again say that phrase "we never leave our wounded behind." This doesn't mean I condone the crimes it means I will stand by my brother even when it looks really dark and bad.

ONE BEHAVIOR DOES NOT DEFINE THE MAN 

He was my friend before he was arrested and even if convicted he will still be a friend. His wife and family are my concern because my brother has fallen and left no one else to take care of them but his crew. For my part, I will reach out and offer sympathy and comfort such as I can and I can do that without condoning what he did because he is my brother and my brother has fallen, I am part of his crew, the "larger crew" of the whole body of veterans and I will do as my heart tells me is needed. I encourage you also to reflect on abandoning a soldier to his fate just because you didn't like him or whatever reason you have to walk away and consider who may have left you alone and wounded over there because you weren't popular or a friend to others. In the end you have to ask when can I justify leaving my wounded behind, it's just that simple, or should be.

None of us are clean, clear, and saintly. Each of us has done stupid, reckless, or even illegal things we'd rather not have made public knowledge but what we DO is NOT the same as what we ARE. Behavior is a part of an individual not the other way around, we can separate the behavior from the behaver if we can understand this: a brother doesn't stop being a brother even when he screws up this bad.

TALK TO HEAL, TALK TO UNDERSTAND

Anger, depression, feelings of being betrayed or fooled all act like the surface of a giant waterbed. When you suppress something, think press down on the waterbed, it just pops back up somewhere else, then you have to press down there and so on, in the end you accomplish nothing except make yourself tired and the waterbed is unchanged. All of us have at some point in our lives have been sucker punched by news like this. At some point holding all that emotion inside becomes too hard to do, the anger and indignation chews on you inside until it has to be expressed outwardly to someone. What better place to bring it than to your friends and brothers? 

This is HOW we heal not by ignoring or hastily burying what happened and the emotions it charges up. Having been a counselor for many years I have seen what suppressing or repressing strong emotion does, it's plu-perfectly destructive and nothing you want bottled up inside you. It enhances suspicion and distrust, makes you emotionally hardened to those around you and generally produces guilt and inner depression if kept corralled inside.

This is something which NEEDS to be talked about, for each of our sakes, for the sake of the ones who are hurt and to clear your own mind of harboring feelings that don't feel good and grind against your reasoning. I cannot force anyone to talk, that's on your plate alone to eat or not, but I will not waste my emotions on dodging and ducking something which all of us have some stake in resolving. Ask me and I'll tell you what I feel about it, actually, that's what I'm doing right now isn't it?

If we are as we claim to be: "brothers" then we have a job to do, not a pleasant job, not anything we're going to enjoy, but a job to do nonetheless. We must support the family and make sure they know we are behind them and care about them and want to see them come through this okay. We should support the man himself, if for no other reason than the service he gave us honorably and freely and we should support each other and open up about what's brewing inside. This issue is bigger than me alone and I know I can't digest it all by myself, I need help to sort it all out, how about you?

One thing I will do to help talk about it is take it to God. I will put my friend and his family in my prayers and the others as well, I will ask God to offer some guidance and comfort to all of us in the veteran community behind this and I will also pray that in time we will all be able to put our feelings out on the table and share them around for the good of all concerned. Whatcha gonna do?

beansimple said it

and above all...

Think for yourself

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