During Grief - What you need
Since 11-16-05
From: Waspscpo@aol.com
Sent: Friday, October 14, 2005 2:41 PM
To: undisclosed-recipients:
Subject: Fw: During Grief - What you need
From:
Waspscpo@aol.com
To: undisclosed-recipients:
Sent: Thursday, February 03, 2005 10:03 AM
Subject: During Grief - What you need
Shipmates, Veterans and Military Retirees:
We all face numerous losses throughout our lives. It could be losing a job,
losing a home, or ending a relationship or even the loss of a loving pet.
When the loss is the death of someone close to us, someone we care about --
a family member, friend, neighbor, pet, or
colleague/ coworker -- the loss can trigger a grieving process that can
affect our way of living, both at home and at work/school.
Came across this and thought I would share it with you. Feel free to share
with others who may need comfort.
Tasks of Mourning
In healthy grieving, the tasks of mourning and
completing one's grief come in several stages. The first is to accept and
fully experience your loss, including feeling and expressing your pain and
sorrow. Second, is to let go of your attachment to your loved one and your
accompanying grief. Third, is to start to form new relationships or
attachments in your life. This third phase is where you feel you are moving
through our healing and recovery, and can start to develop new commitments
and ties to people and activities.
What You Need During Grief
Grieving the death of someone does not have a
particular timetable. Mourning your loss may take weeks, months, or even
years. From many individuals, the death of their loved one is carried with
them throughout their lives. Although there is no "cure" for grief, here are
several ways to help you cope with your loss, and begin to ease the pain.
TIME
Take time alone and time with others whom you trust and who will listen when
you need to talk.
CARING
Try to allow yourself to accept the expressions
of caring from others even though they may be awkward. Helping a friend or
relative suffering the same loss may bring a feeling of closeness with that
person.
REST, RELAXATION, EXERCISE, DIVERSION
You may need to give yourself extra amounts of
things that nourish and replenish you. Hot baths, afternoon naps, a short
trip, a project helping others -- any of these may give you a lift. Grief
can be an emotionally and physically exhausting process.
GOALS
For
a while, it will seem that much of life is without meaning. At times like
these, small goals are helpful. Something to look forward to -- like lunch
with a friend that day, a movie the next week, a trip next month -- helps
you get through the time in the immediate future. Sometimes living moment by
moment, or one day at a time, is the rule of thumb. As time passes, you may
want to work on longer range goals to give yourself some structure and
direction to your life.
SECURITY
Try
to reduce or find help for financial and other stresses in your life. Allow
yourself to be close and open up to those you trust. Developing or getting
back into a routine helps. Focus on doing things at your own pace.
PERMISSION TO BACKSLIDE
Sometimes after a period of feeling better, you find yourself back in the
old feelings of extreme sadness, despair, or anger. This is the nature of
grief -- one moment you're up, and next, you're down. Sometimes when you
backslide, you are simply remembering, re-experiencing the trauma or
enormity of your loss which starts to flood back and overwhelm you.
HOPE
You may find hope and comfort from those who have
experienced a similar loss. Knowing what helped them, and realizing that
over time they have recovered, may give you the hope and strength to
envision that you, too, will eventually heal from your grief.
SMALL PLEASURES
Do not underestimate the healing power of small
pleasures. Sunsets, massage, a walk near the ocean, a favorite food -- all
are small steps toward giving to yourself and regaining your pleasure in
life itself.
BE AWARE OF DRUG AND ALCOHOL USE
The
use of drugs, alcohol, and even prescription medications may prolong and
delay the necessary process of grieving. You cannot prevent or cure grief.
The only way out is through the grief process.
PERMISSION TO CHANGE YOUR MIND
Grieving can shake you up inside. You may have difficulty concentrating; or
find yourself constantly reevaluating your priorities. You may be unsure or
uncertain what you want in numerous aspects of your life. When you make
commitments or plans, be sure to let people know you may need room to cancel
or change your mind.
BE PREPARED AROUND HOLIDAYS AND ANNIVERSARIES
For
many people, holidays, birthdays, or the anniversary of their loved one's
death can bring up painful memories or revive feelings of longing and
sadness over their loss -- even for those who believe they have "finished"
their grieving and moved on. This "anniversary" reaction is a common part of
the grieving process, but you may be still be surprised by the flood of
emotions that may be reactivated during this period. You might want to be
especially aware and gentle with yourself around this time. You may also
want to allow more private time for yourself, or arrange to spend more time
around family and others close to you.
In many instances, people can move through their grief on their own, or with
their existing supports and resources. However, sometimes you need outside
help or assistance to keep yourself from "going under," or getting
"perpetually stuck" in your grief. These conditions can happen especially if
you are experiencing multiple stressors, or coping with cumulative grief.
These warning signs include continuing bouts of depression, social
withdrawal and isolation, suicidal thoughts, or continuing feelings of
helplessness, hopelessness, and despair.
Grief and Work
Work is a place where you spend a considerable amount time in your life.
When someone close to you dies, not only do you have to cope with this loss,
but you must also adjust to working or returning to work after the death.
The early weeks or months may be especially difficult. Here are some
suggestions to help you through this emotional transition.
BE EASY ON YOURSELF
Expect that you may feel more distracted or less productive than before your
loss. Realize your mind or reflexes may not respond as quickly in the
beginning.
TAKE TIME OUT TO GRIEVE
Try
to set time aside during the day or create ways to remember your loved one.
Let people know if you need moments of more privacy or need a place to cry
or compose yourself while at work.
CONSIDER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO SHARE WITH OTHERS
For some people, sharing some of their grief and
sorrow with their coworkers helps them cope; while for others, seeking other
avenues for solace and comfort works best for them. If you choose to share
some of your grief with coworkers, select those with whom you feel the most
comfortable, and who appear to be open to listening to you.
When you are grieving, it can also be difficult to gauge when or how much to
share with people. Don't hesitate to ask your coworkers about their
readiness or availability to listen ("Is it okay that I'm sharing this with
you right now?" or "Please tell me if this is too
much."). Be aware that if your feelings are particularly intense or
emotional, or you seem to require a lot of attention, some coworkers
my appear uncomfortable with your sharing. This
may mean you need to find sources outside of work to express your sadness.
BE UNDERSTANDING WITH COWORKERS
You
may find coworkers awkward or unsure how to interact with you shortly after
the death. Many coworkers are well-meaning and want to be supportive, but
may feel uncertain how to approach you or may feel afraid of what to say (so
they either say the "wrong thing" or say nothing all). Let people know what
level of interaction you'd like ("It's okay for you to ask how I'm doing. .
." or "I'd rather not discuss this right now; I'll let you know when I can.
. ."). Respect people's limits of being able to attend to your loss while
continuing to carry on with their work.
KEEP YOUR MANAGER/SUPERVISOR/DEPARTMENT HEAD INFORMED
If
you have difficulty adjusting to being back at work (feel fatigued,
overwhelmed, unfocused, etc.), let your manager/supervisor/department head
know. Perhaps he or she can help you with your work transition: e.g.,
temporarily adjust your work hours or schedule, shift project priorities,
reduce your workload. Consider ways your manager/supervisor/department head
can be an additional source of support at work.
----------------------------
Contributed,
YNCS Don Harribine, USN(ret)